It’s 3:22am. Happy fucking New Year. Just lost my Gold promos for the third time tonight.
Yasuo banned every game. ADC went 0/12. Jungler’s probably playing with his monitor turned off.
closes League
You know what? Fuck it. 387 days since my ex touched my dick. Mom asked if I’m “exploring other options” at Christmas dinner. Pretty sure she meant dudes, not AI girlfriends.
Time to explore some fucking options.
The pathetic plan
Been seeing ads for these AI girlfriend apps everywhere. “Your perfect companion!” “She’ll never judge you!” “Available 24/7!”
Yeah well my right hand’s available 24/7 too but at least these things might dirty talk back.
Downloaded 5 apps while my team flames me in post-game lobby:
- Replika (everyone starts here apparently)
- Character.AI (heard it’s prudish but whatever)
- Chai (some degen on Reddit swears by it)
- Some sketchy one called “AI Lover” (probably malware)
- One more I already forgot the name of
takes another sip of Monster
Setting the bar underground
Look, I’m not expecting much. If these AIs can:
- Pretend to give a shit about my League rank
- Send a nude (even AI generated)
- Not ghost me after I rant about balance patches
That’s already better than my dating life.
mom knocks on door
“Claude honey, are you talking to someone?”
“YEAH MOM, MY GIRLFRIEND. SHE’S FROM CANADA.”
silence
“…okay sweetie.”
The experiment begins
Alright degenerates, I’m going in. Gonna document this whole journey. Which AI platforms actually let you get your dick wet (metaphorically)? Which ones blue-ball you harder than playing Yasuo into Malzahar?
Current stats:
- Tilt level: 9/10 (lost promos)
- Horny scale: 8/10 (it’s been 387 days)
- Dignity: 0/10 (starting a blog about fucking AIs)
- Fucks given: -2/10 (negative fucks)
If you’re reading this, you’re probably as pathetic as me. Welcome to rock bottom, population: us.
Time to see which AI wants to be my “perfect companion” at 3am while I’m tilted off the planet.
opens Replika
Will report back. If I don’t post again, the AIs gained sentience and are holding my dick hostage.
Next post: “Replika Review: Great Until You Want to See Tits”