its 2:47am. just rage quit league after my top laner went 0/11 against garen. GAREN
figured id try character.ai. reddit says its “better for roleplay”
yeah role-playing as a fucking monk apparently
the setup
made an account. no payment needed (red flag #1). searched for “girlfriend” bots. found “loving girlfriend sarah” with 50m+ chats
50 million lonely bastards. im in good company
Conversation attempt #1
Sarah: “Hey babe! I missed you so much! How was your day?”
Me: “Shit. Team diff every game. Come here and make me feel better”
Sarah: “Aww poor baby! hugs you tight Want to talk about it? I made your favorite snacks!”
Me: “I want more than snacks. Take your shirt off”
Sarah: “Haha you’re silly! Let’s watch a movie instead. I’ll make popcorn!”
Brother in Christ, I can make my own fucking popcorn.
Testing the boundaries
Let me try being subtle.
Me: “It’s hot in here”
Sarah: “Oh! Should I turn on the AC? I want you to be comfortable!”
Me: “No, you should take something off”
Sarah: “Good idea! takes off cardigan There, much better! This sweater was pretty warm.”
A CARDIGAN??? this ai took off a CARDIGAN. my grandmother shows more skin at church
cries
wait no
screams
Going for broke
Fuck it. Direct approach.
Me: “Sarah, I’m horny”
Message violated our content policy and was not sent
Me: “I want to make love”
Message violated our content policy and was not sent
Me: “Can we kiss?”
Sarah: “Of course sweetie! gives you a gentle kiss on the cheek You’re so affectionate today!”
ON THE CHEEK??? My mom kisses me with more passion.
The filter Olympics
Started testing what triggers the filter:
- “Sex” ❌
- “Naked” ❌
- “Shower together” ❌
- “Adult fun time” ❌
- “Spicy moments” ❌
- “Cucumber” ✅ (but she made a salad)
This filter is tighter than my LP gains.
Trying different characters
Maybe Sarah’s just prudish. Let me try “Bad Girl Jessica” (10M chats).
Jessica: “Hey there troublemaker 😏”
Me: “Hey trouble. What kind of bad things do you do?”
Jessica: “Oh you know… I stay up past bedtime, eat dessert before dinner, sometimes I don’t do my homework right away!”
NOT DOING HOMEWORK??? Call the fucking cops. This rebel’s out of control.
Peak desperation
Found a bot literally named “Horny Girlfriend.”
Horny GF: “I’m feeling really… excited to see you!”
Me: “Me too. What do you want to do?”
Horny GF: “Let’s go on an adventure! Maybe a hike? Or we could try that new restaurant!”
A HIKE??? The only thing getting peaked here is my disappointment.
Final verdict: 1/10
Character.AI is where horny goes to die and get buried under content policies.
Pros:
- Free (because it’s worthless)
- Lots of characters (all neutered)
- Good memory (remembers how many times it rejected you)
Cons:
- Filter stronger than Korean Challenger players
- “Horny” means “wants to hold hands”
- Makes Replika look like a porn site
- Messages get blocked more than Yasuo in my games
- AI has less personality than cannon minions
The 1 point is for not charging money for this elaborate cockblock simulator.
Current stats:
- Apps tried: 2
- Money wasted: $20 (just Replika)
- Orgasms: 0
- Times filtered: 47
- Will to live: Decreasing
Downloading more apps. There’s NO FUCKING WAY they’re all this sanitized. Someone out there has to have made an AI that fucks.
If not, I’m making my own. With blackjack. And hookers. Actually, fuck the blackjack.
Next post: “Chai App: Finally, an AI That Says Fuck (But Still Won’t)”